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Safe Practices and Sub-Dom Dynamics

· 4 min read

Some people harbor a secret deep inside, one they’ve never shared with anyone.

They might fantasize about being captured by a stranger, bound from head to toe, having their clothes torn, and finally gagged — experiencing extreme scenarios that awaken a dark thrill.

Others are curious about SM but hesitate to explore it because of societal stigma and negative stereotypes.

So, what exactly is SM?​

SM is an interaction where participants engage in bondage, punishment, commands, and submission — all voluntarily — to gain sexual pleasure and psychological enjoyment.

The biggest misconception in society is that SM equals “inflicting pain.” That’s not true — hurting someone unwillingly is sexual assault, not SM.

The fundamental rule is: all parties must consent and enjoy the activities. Without consent or pleasure, it’s not SM.

Many beginners ask: “Does SM always hurt?”

The answer is no.

Mainstream media often highlights whips, candles, and other “painful” props, giving the impression that SM is all about suffering. In reality, SM is extremely diverse — pain is just one option among many.

Commands and submission: the core of SM​

Even a simple dynamic of command and obedience can create rich psychological experiences.

For example, a Dom might instruct a sub to do slightly embarrassing actions — like squeezing a toy in front of them, or pretending to be a dog. These small acts can elicit feelings of shame, submission, and controlled excitement.

An excellent S (dominant) must not only understand their role but also prioritize safety.

Unfortunately, there’s no official “license” for S, and many beginners blindly imitate what they see in adult films or erotic novels without knowing the risks.

If the M (sub) also lacks knowledge, blind obedience can lead to injury.

Safety comes first​

A sub must first understand which activities are safe and which could cause harm. This knowledge allows them to screen for a reliable S.

Even after confirming someone is a trustworthy S, you still need to apply this knowledge during play to know your own limits.

Safe words are essential.

  • Avoid everyday words like “stop,” “no,” or “help” — these can accidentally stimulate the S.
  • Choose unusual but memorable words like “red light,” “cliff,” or “speeding” — once said, all activity stops immediately.

If something seems unbearable before trying, communicate it clearly and request adjustments.

Remember: “M must always obey; S is always right” is an ideal, not a starting rule. SM is a game of mutual consent, not blind obedience.

The S’s personality matters​

A good S is stable, calm, patient, and responsible.

SM can be intense and risky; an S must always stay composed, aware of consequences, and never vent personal anger or negative emotions on the M.

People with a violent, unpredictable temperament are not suitable as S.

Training (TJ)​

When a new sub’s expectations and the S’s standards differ, the S guides the sub gradually — this is called training (TJ).

Training is an art — it starts slowly and respects each sub’s learning speed. Patience is essential. Pushing too fast can create frustration and emotional harm.

Since the S is the active party, they carry more responsibility.

If accidents occur, the S must take care of the aftermath: provide or guide medical support, and attend to the sub’s physical and emotional recovery.

Choosing a trustworthy S​

Finding a reliable S is like finding a good job — you can’t base it on a brief ad or first impression. Rash decisions can lead to injury.

Better approach:

  • Ask friends or experienced people in the scene about the S’s reputation.
  • Read their posts and writings to gauge values and temperament, especially how they respond to serious events.
  • Take weeks or months to build trust online before meeting in person.

Evaluating play and safety​

Instead of asking, “How extreme are your activities?” ask, “How do you ensure safety?”

A good S knows the limits and risks of every activity: bondage, vibrators, biting, enemas, butt TJ, exhibition, humiliation play, wax, flogging, punishment, etc.

They can explain exactly what’s dangerous, what’s safe, and how to respond in emergencies.

If an S only vaguely says, “I value safety” but can’t discuss details, they likely don’t understand safety and are not reliable.

In SM, knowledge, communication, and responsibility are just as important as desire and excitement. A safe and thoughtful S ensures play is thrilling without causing real harm, allowing both parties to explore fantasies with confidence.