How Childhood Shapes Submissive Tendencies in BDSM

I’ve noticed a pretty funny thing—people outside the scene often look at me confused and ask, “What’s up with you letter people? Why would anyone like pain or being controlled? That’s not normal, right?” Honestly, I’ve heard that question way too many times.

It’s not really their fault. If you’re not in the scene, it’s hard to understand what a Sub or an M really thinks. Sometimes I wonder too—is this something people are born with, or something shaped over time? From talking to many Subs about their experiences, I’ve realized one thing: childhood has a huge impact.

Take an old friend of mine, for example. She grew up in a really good family, parents got along, and the whole vibe was “other people’s perfect kid.” Sounds great, right? But here’s the catch—they were too good to her. She wanted something, they gave it; money? Plenty. Freedom? Tons. Almost no rules.

But as a kid, she secretly envied classmates who had structure: coming home on time, no late nights, a little nagging from mom, a scolding from dad. She wanted that feeling of being cared for. She told me she never experienced things like someone picking her up after school, set mealtimes, being told not to play on her phone too long. To the outside world, she was free as a bird, living the dream, but inside she felt like a drifting weed—so free that nobody really paid attention to her.

Later, I learned she became a Sub. She told me she’d long felt a complex pull toward being dominated and corrected. Once, she got scolded harshly for messing up—and instead of feeling upset, she felt a warmth inside. Her words: “Not everyone will scold you—only people who care about you get angry at you.” That’s when I truly understood her—she didn’t crave punishment; she craved that feeling of finally being seen.

Another common case is kids who grew up very strictly controlled. You might think it’s contradictory—growing up restricted, wouldn’t they want freedom as adults? Not exactly. Psychologists call this “path dependence.” Once you’re used to a pattern, even a bad one, familiarity creates a kind of dependency. Kids raised under strict parental control often grow up familiar with being dominated. In fact, being treated leniently can feel unsettling. If you say, “Do whatever you want,” they don’t know what to do. But if you give a command, or take charge, they feel oddly secure—because that’s the “safe mode” they’ve known since childhood.

I increasingly believe many tendencies in our scene trace back to childhood. Whether “left completely free” or “controlled too tightly,” both subtly shape our understanding of love. Some kids never felt truly cared for, so as adults they seek it through being dominated, corrected, or controlled—a way to feel noticed and valued. Others, overly constrained, develop strong path dependence—they feel grounded only when controlled in familiar ways.

Many people in the scene are actually very capable and talented—they’re just lacking a sense of safety. They don’t seek pain for its own sake, but through this pattern, they find a familiar reassurance, a feeling of finally being seen and cared for. This isn’t “weird” or “perverse”—it’s just a twisted reflection of human emotion. We all crave love; some people’s love just grew a little sideways.

This topic is way deeper than this, and there’s more to explore about how extreme insecurity shapes people in the scene—but that’s a story for another time. If you read this and felt a little resonance, or ever wondered why you have these tendencies, I want to tell you this—you’re not alone. We all have our own ways of healing that part of ourselves that didn’t get enough love as kids.